The Impact/Effect of Criminal
Thinking/Behavior on Parenting.
Consider the following examples of Criminal Behavior:
- Drinking and Driving or Driving While Intoxicated.
- Use of illegal drugs.
- Driving while license suspended.
- Exceeding the speed limit.
- Any physical or verbal assaults.
- Allowing minors to use alcohol/drugs in your home.
Many people might not look at some of these choices as criminal behavior; however, they are all illegal. Let’s look
at some examples of “Criminal Thinking” that could lead to those behaviors.
- The belief that I am entitled to do as I see fit despite the impact that behavior or those choices have on anyone
else.
- The belief that drinking to intoxication or use of any drugs around my children is acceptable (which may give a
child permission to behave in the same manner, regardless of their age):
- The belief that: if I am alone in my vehicle, I can drive as fast as I choose and it will not affect anyone.
Again, there are more beliefs that we could explore, please fill in your own thinking patterns.
These beliefs indirectly and directly have an effect on families. Direct effects can be death, jail and court
costs/fines. That children do as we do and not as we say would be an example of indirect effects of the role
modeling behaviors.
Without guidance from professional therapists, children who witness violence learn that violent behaviors are
acceptable. Children who feel controlled will likely grow up to be controlling or controlled by others.
The effects of violence on children can sometimes lead to the child experiencing the following:
- Feeling responsible for the violence.
- Constant anxiety and stress.
- Guilt for their inability to stop the violence.
- Abandonment fears.
- Difficulty interacting with peers and social isolation.
- Poor self-concept/self-esteem.
- Shame
- The need to protect the abuser by denying the violent behaviors (at school, to other family members, etc.).
Loose limits and minimal expectations (poor boundaries) in a family home can lead to a child seeking acceptance
elsewhere than in the home. Children may seek attention from other adults. For example: a man who shows the
child kindness and attention may also allow the child to use alcohol/drugs/cigarettes and may introduce the child to
pornography. This adult may have his own agenda, while the child is merely seeking attention and acceptance.
Likewise, the child may seek acceptance through peers or older children who may use or sell drugs. The child
experiences the same kind of acceptance/attention that he or she seek at home; however, the child may be led
into use and sales of drugs or other illegal/unsafe activities.
We need to continually work on ourselves as parents and adults to recognize that the world does not revolve
around “ME.” We need to recognize that we do not own our children; we are here as guides, teachers and
protectors. It is important for parents to note that children develop their problem-solving methods prior to the age
of 7. The values instilled in them will be the values they continue to hold throughout their lives. Our problem
solving methods likely will be the style our children will also use as well.
Do we teach our children not to yell by yelling at them? Do we teach our children not to hit by hitting them? Do we
teach our children not to drink or use drugs while we drink or use drugs?
It is time we take a moment to step back, look at ourselves and try to see ourselves as others may see us as
parents and adults. To make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves (Alcoholics Anonymous, Step
#04). To recognize that, yes, I do have flaws or “shortcomings.” To say, “I am perfect in every way”; that is,
“perfectly flawed.”
We cannot blame our own parents for the mistakes that they made. However, we need to come to terms with our
feelings about our parents. We need to accept that they, too, are/were flawed and did the best they could with the
tools they had at the time, and then let it go. Our children will find flaws in us, too and wish we had done some
things differently. Part of the healing process means recognizing that our children will have issues with us,
regardless of how much better their lives are than ours were.
We, too, make mistakes and they are ours alone. No one makes us make a choice or have a feeling.
So keep in your mind and in your heart that we have a great impact on our children. Everything we do and
everything we say will impact who our children become.
We are living examples.