In the summer of 2001 Judge James Sheridan attended a conference in Orlando Florida and met with Mark
Perlman who is the creator of the “Nurturing Fathers Program”. The Honorable Judge Sheridan had been on the
bench for 23 years and noted that he had seen generations of men committing the same or similar offenses.
Judge Sheridan looked over materials given to him by the author Mark Perlman and recognized that the work
Mr. Perlman has done with issues of fatherhood were inspiring.
As quoted in the Daily Telegram from December 16, 2001 Judge Sheridan stated that he believes enhancing
men’s parenting skills will strengthen families while reducing the incidence of irresponsible behaviors that bring
men to court. Judge Sheridan was quoted as stating “it’s very simple, if you look in the court at the number of
people who are either irresponsible fathers or the product of irresponsible fathers, you could probably cut my
case load in half”.
The Nurturing Fathers Program through Insight Counseling has been in operation since December 28th, 2001.
Administrator and primary therapist Mike Snyder-Barker has been facilitating the group since early 2002 and
had attended a Mark Perlman training in November of 2002 becoming a Nationally Certified trainer and
consultant for the program.
Mike Snyder-Barker has also attended and presented at training in May of 2004 looking at parenting in the
context of Domestic Violence. The primary presenter was Lundy Bancroft who has written several definitive
pieces on Domestic violence including “When Dad Hurts Mom” & “The Batterer as a Parent”. Mr. Bancroft stated
in his research that batterers are 7 times more likely to physically/emotionally abuse children and 6 times more
likely to commit acts of sexual abuse towards children. Mr. Bancroft wrote that the primary indicating factors
include the following:
High entitlement.
Self-centered use of children to meet his own needs.
Manipulative.
Seeing children as personal possessions.
Substance abuse.
Mr. Bancroft also looked at the likelihood that a batterer will use the children as a weapon, both when the family
is intact and more so after separation.
Snyder-Barker presented the Nurturing Fathers Program to this State Wide conference whose participants
where Batterers group facilitators, probation officers, and advocates for battered women.
Additional trainings included:
1. The University of Indiana’s Institute for Alcohol and Drug Studies, exploring the issues of parenting in the
context of drug/alcohol abuse/dependence.
2. J.E. Ryan Enterprises, Inc. – full day training on the Nurturing Fathers Program in the context of
substance abuse/dependence.
Articles Published:
1. The Daily Telegram – Adrian, Mi. (Lenawee County) July 20, 2003 entitled “Tough Questions For
Fathers About Substance Abuse” which discussed how a typical session would be conducted around alcohol
and drug use in the context of parenting.
Snyder-Barker also co-faciliated with his partner Karla Snyder-Barker Mark Perlman's MArriage & PArenting
program prior to the completion of the work. The challenge with this program is that the majority of the clients we
work with are court ordered, therefore it was difficult to get voluntary participation. The three couples that did
participate in the program had all included fathers who had completed the Nurturing Fathers Program and
agreed to participate (voluntarily) with their partners.
Mark Perlman wrote a very inspiring program and in the first weeks session he included a picture where there
are two men with several boxes behind them. One man asks the other “What are you doing”? The man simply
states that he is “going through many boxes that his father left him. He will keep some, throw some away and
add some of his own.
I have done the same with Mr. Perlman’s model. I use the work book/journal and add some of my own material
which I have either created or found from other sources.
Some of the additions are as follows and I believe they were sent to Lois to share:
1. The Family Time Pie:
2. Role Modeling
3. As well as the alcohol/drug use and parenting article.
I have added other pieces as well, for example, the session on game playing. In, 2002 we conducted the session
as discussed in the journal, however, discovered that some of the men would skip the session. There are a few
reasons for this, firstly, they are divorced/separated and only get their children for certain times of visitation.
Perhaps their child lives in another state even. It makes it very emotionally challenging for them to attend a
session and watch the other fathers with their children. Another roadblock occurs when the participants may be
either physical abusers or sexual abusers and are court ordered to stay away from children. Therefore, they
miss the session. Another demographic are the men who are just in the group to meet the obligations of the
court and really are not invested in their children.
I designed a role playing exercise which offers men to play games in the context of the group session. We
assign roles of the father and the children to the participants. As the session progresses, we have the clients
switch roles, (relatively frequently) to have an opportunity to experience that role.
Father roles include:
1. The Nurturing Father
2. The Drunk Dad
3. The Controlling Father
4. The verbally Abusive Father
Children’s roles include:
1. The super achiever kid who plays fair.
2. The angry resentful kid who acts out.
3. A distracted kid who may be watching TV or itching to go outside.
4. Perhaps even a child who might be under the influence of drugs.
5. A kid who cheats.
The roles help us to look at what it is like within the context of this family. When we have enough in the group to
have two or three groups of 3 or 4, we will ask the Dad to switch tables simulating a divorce/remarriage and the
challenge of getting to know the new personality (as they keep their roles when they switch, i.e., Drunk Dad or
Abusive Dad).
I chose to modify the group beyond the initial 12 week format to expand on a few different topics, for example
the session on Overcoming Barriers to Nurturing Fathers (Anger, Substance Abuse & Stress). I felt that with my
population, I needed to expand and have a full session devoted to substance abuse/addiction issues and
parenting. As well as a full session devoted to addressing issues of Anger, violence and stress. Mr. Perlman
offers a great foundation with which to build upon and the individuals that I work with are generally court
mandated to address these issues specifically.
I realized that I could not have one session devoted to the full graduation ceremony and have asked that the
men provide a presentation to the group during whichever session is their last. They are able to hear from
peers how those peers experienced them and the peers offer a message to send them off with. Likewise, the
graduates are able to offer feedback to their peers who are newer to the group and offer them a message to
focus on as they are learning more about themselves and the program.
So I made the last section to focus on Role Modeling and Leaving a Legacy. The way I see it is that are children
have a memory of who we are that they carry with them at all times. For example, as I leave for work, what is the
last memory my child will have from me. Perhaps it was the night before as they went to bed and they are not
awake when I leave in the morning. Was it a harsh contest of wills/power struggle? Or was it a nurturing
experience. Will they look forward to my return at the end of a work day or will they run to their rooms when they
hear my car pulling up.
I look fairly strongly at the impact all of our behaviors have on our children. I was in court testifying at a
termination of parental rights and an attorney asked me “So, Mr. Snyder-Barker, what is a nurturing father?” I
thought about this for a moment and stated that “A nurturing father is a man who remembers that he is a father
at all times, whether the children are in his presence or not”. An example I gave was “if you are out at a grocery
store or the mall and you become verbally, emotionally aggressive/abusive with someone, does this have an
impact on your child”? “I believe that it does, you could be verbally abusing your child’s new teacher, or the
father of your child’s future significant other, etc.”.
We have a rippling effect on the world around us and the most important relationships we have really are in our
own homes. The impact that I have on my child will carry my legacy into the future. Do I want my child to
experience legal problems, relationship problems, etc. If I truly believe that I do not want my child to have these
negative experiences, then I better check my own behaviors first. I have a few statements that I like to say
periodically in the groups, they are as follows:
1. Do we teach our kids not to yell by yelling at them?
2. Do we teach our kids not to hit by hitting them?
3. Do we teach our kids not to cuss by cussing at them?
The History of The Nurturing Fathers Program
as Interpreted by Michael Snyder-Barker, LMSW; CAAC
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